Video Game Rants
By The Video Game Critic
www.videogamecritic.net
Updated 4/8/2006
Nobody loves video games more than me, but now it's time to get a few things off of my chest...
EB Games/Gamestop Selling Used Games As New
It happens every time. Gamestop will have the game you want, but the display box is the last one left. What do they do, order just one of each game?! So the guy behind the counter thens pull out the little baggy with the disk and instructions, and tries to sell you the thing at full price. I call them on this every time, insisting I only want a game if it's in the original shrinkwrap. Oh yeah, they'll tell you it's new, but it's not. First of all, the box on the shelf is usually covered with grimy fingerprints, not to mention a bunch of ugly stickers. And it's common knowledge that the employees routinely take those games home, play them, and then bring them back to sell as new. Sometimes they'll even re-shrinkwrap the box using the machine in the back room (you can tell because the plastic wrap is different). Then they attempt to cover themselves by offering a "guarantee" that the game will work - like that makes everything okay. Gamers, just say no.
EB Games/Gamestop's Disorganized Shelves
It amazes me how these stores, who have been doing nothing but selling video games for years, still haven't figured out how to display them in a neat, organized manner. Whenever I enter one of these stores, all I see is messy shelves in no particular order, and new and used games mixed together. It's almost impossible to find anything specific. And as for the classic games bin with old cartridges, why do they place the price tag directly over the label so you can't even tell what the game is?
Excessive Menu Screens
Especially with many new Xbox 360 games, the number of menu screens and prompts you need to wade through just to play a frickin' game is getting out of hand. In the career mode of Ridge Racer 6, I was subjected to 10 screens, 14 prompts, and 4 load screens between races! There's really no justification for this - it's just bad design. The primary options should be placed on a single screen, with secondary screens available for the features nobody cares about.
Email, PDAs, and Voicemail in Video Games
We're all familiar with email, PDAs and voicemail - they're useful communication devices that we have to contend with every day, at home and at work. But when I play video games, I'm trying to escape the tedious little chores of real life. I don't want to have to read endless emails when I'm playing a racing game, or listen to extended "voice messages" in a first-person shooter. It seems like so many new games, from Doom 3 to Need For Speed Most Wanted, are incorporating these annoying "features", and that crap has got to stop right now or there's gonna be hell to pay. I'm not kidding - KNOCK IT OFF!
Xbox 360 Adapter Costs $100
When I got my new Xbox 360, I was so psyched that I actually toyed with the idea of getting Xbox Live. Now I'm not an online kind of guy, but I was willing to give it a shot if it was easy and cheap enough. Since my computer at the other end of the house, it became apparent that I needed the special wireless adapter (not included with the premium system). So I headed over to the game store expecting to spend about $40 on the thing. Would you believe that tiny piece of plastic costs $100!? That is totally bogus, especially when you consider my $140 Nintendo DS portable has a wireless interface built-in! Microsoft really dropped the ball on this one. They could have had a new subscriber for life, but now I'm so annoyed I probably won't even try it!
Ninja Gaiden Black and Hidden Difficulty Levels
While I appreciated the quality gameplay and beautiful graphics of Ninja Gaiden (Xbox, 2004), the game's excessive difficulty took its toll on the fun factor. So when I saw the discount-priced Ninja Gaiden Black boasting an adjustable difficulty level, I figured it would be the perfect game. Upon playing it however, I quickly discovered that the difficulty levels (as well as the other new features) were locked until you played through the freakin' game again! What the F?! The fact that these special features were the main selling point for the game makes it a blatant case of false advertisement. I was later advised by a reader that if you perform poorly enough, the game lets you play at the easy level, but it's still unforgivable.
Xbox 360 Profiles
While in theory it's cool for the Xbox 360 system to maintain user profiles that can be used for all games, in practice it's turned out to be problematic. For one thing, when playing multi-player modes, juggling the various user profiles (to switch players) is a nightmare. In games like Project Gotham 3, you have to exit all the way back to the main menu just to change player profiles! Adding insult to injury, certain games have their own game-specific profiles that may or may not correspond to the system profiles. It's a confusing mess.
Electronic Arts Not Playing Nice
While EA is certainly a saavy player in the video game market, their business practices are unethical at best and evil at worst. Don't get me wrong - their programmers are terrific - but those fat cat EA executives will screw gamers over any which way to make an extra buck. First there are the well-documented cases of EA's notorious overworking and underpaying of their developers. Then they obtain the exclusive rights to the NFL (to the consternation of sports fans everywhere) and attempt to pull the same thing with the NBA (unsuccessfully). Finally, like most monopolistic businesses, they have begun inflating the prices of their games, including charging $10 more for PSP and Xbox 360 titles. Electronic Arts has become the cable company of the video game world - everybody hates them but can't resist buying their product! Damn them!!
Licenses and Lousy Cars
In many recent racing games, including Gran Turismo 4, you need to painstakingly earn "licenses" in order to qualify for races. In real life I only had to obtain one license, so why does a "realistic" game force you to get 15 of these God-forsaken things?! And most involve navigating time-consuming courses with little room for error. I refuse to waste my time on that garbage any more. Along the same lines, I hate racing games that force you to begin with a Pinto or Gremlin or some other piece of crap car. Give me a decent vehicle off the bat, because I'm not dedicating my life to any one racing game.
Locked!
Nothing annoys me more than firing up a brand new game and discovering that all the cool stages/cars/characters are LOCKED. You are then forced to painstakingly work your way through the single-player mode just to get to the good stuff. I'm talking about golf games that initially give you two golfers and one course. I'm talking about Spy Hunter (Xbox, PS2), which keeps the two-player split-screen mode locked until you finish the ENTIRE one-player mode! Driver for the Playstation won't let you do much of anything until you complete a difficult training level in a garage. And if your memory card is erased - tough luck - the next time you play you'll have to go through the same ordeal again. I think we need to go back to the way it used to be, when everything was OPEN by default except for a very few extra special items.
Easter Eggs and Cheats
When the first "easter egg" was planted in Adventure for the Atari 2600, it was discovered by some kid in the midwest about a year after the game was released. Nowadays, game developers can't even keep a secret for a month! Soon after you read a game's review in a magazine, you'll find all of its codes listed in the back section of the magazine. And I'll bet these codes were sent in by the game's publisher, not by some bored kid. While this provides the game with a little extra exposure, it's pretty dumb. If these features were going to be made available right away, why not just include them in the option menu? There's no more mystique surrounding video games anymore. Now, finding a secret in an old Atari 2600 or Intellivision game - THAT'S saying something.
Adult Humor?
Some games are rated "Mature" due to their alleged "adult humor". However, it's interesting to note that in the world of video games, "adult humor" often equates to gratuitous, juvenille garbage that's not the least bit funny. Case in point: Conkers Bad Hair Day (N64), Outlaw Golf (GameCube), and BMX XXX (Xbox), some of the biggest embarrassments in video game history.
Unwanted Sequels
Have you ever stumbled upon a game with a "2" or "3" after its title, and you've never ever HEARD of the previous editions? Who is requesting these games? If no one bothered with the first one, you'd think the publisher would take the hint! Evidentally it's easier to put out recycled garbage than come up with something new and original.
Derivative Games
It seems like there are two types of games being sold right now: sequels to successful titles, and "me too" games that try to emulate the successful titles. Case in point: Grand Theft Auto. The market is now flooded with so many gangster games that I can't even keep track of them. Everybody's trying to get a piece of the pie.
Game Saves
What's the deal with games that don't save your place automatically, or at least prompt you to save? Some games require you toreturn to the MAIN MENU just to save your progress. You should NEVER have to go out of your way like that. And another thing: saving your game should NOT be a 10-step process!
Cut Scenes
If I'm playing a video game, I don't want to watch 15-minute long intermissions! I could have rented a video if I wanted that. Some games (Metal Gear Solid 2 comes to mind) seem to be more of a "watching" experience than a "playing" one. That garbage has GOT to stop.
Pausing Cut Scenes
Why is it that you can pause any game by hitting the Start button, but you can't pause a cut-scene? If developers are going to make these video sequences 10 or 15 minutes long, they incorporate a pause option in case the phone rings or someone comes to the door! Get with it people!!
Fog
When the console makers were hyping the graphical capabilities of the current crop of systems, the specs were mind-blowing. So how come in most games you can't even see a block ahead without heavy fog cropping up? It's particularly bad in racing and adventure games. I might expect this from a Playstation or Saturn game, but you'd think we'd be past this by now.
Camera Control
Free-roaming 3D adventure games have existed for many years, yet the camera control continues to be a pain in the ass. Even in the best games, the camera positioning is usually only satisfactory. If a game can't provide decent camera angles, it should relinquish control to the player.
Difficulty
Would it be too much to ask for all developers to include an "easy" difficulty option in their games? Some people's idea of "normal" is ridiculously hard, and if players get stuck, they usually just move along to the next game. Developers would also be behooved to recruit "normal" people to test their games instead of video game whizzes who can breeze through any game in an hour!
Unlimited Continues
I really hate arcade-style games that offer unlimited continues - it takes all the fun out of them! Three continues should be the limit. It's too hard to resist the temptation of completing the game in one sitting. Neo Geo games are notorious for this.
Sony Hates 2D Games
Ever since the first Playstation console was released, Sony has been reluctant to approve any 2D-style games for their consoles, usually citing that these games "do not properly showcase the power of their system". This short-sighted policy originally reared it's head in the mid-90's, when Sony resisted Konami's brilliant Castlevania Symphony of the Night game. Sony ultimately relented, and Symphony went on to be a major commercial success. In fact, many regard it as one of the best games for the system. Well, Sony is up to its old tricks with its Playstation 2, turning down quality titles like Metal Slug 3. It's becoming clear that Sony is less interested in quality gameplay than high-profile licenses and flashy graphics. If Sony is so sure 2D is no longer viable, maybe they should take a look at Nintendo's GameBoy Advance.
LOADING SCREENS
System Logos
Is it really necessary to display that 10-second Sony Playstation logo sequence/music before each game? I'm well aware of the system I'm playing thank you!!
Cartridge Intro Screens
To me, the one advantage to the cartridge format is fast loading. Heck, it should be instantaneous. So you can imagine my dismay when I stick in a N64 cart and have to see a video sequence displaying the production company logo, followed by the publisher logo, followed by the development team logo, etc, etc. By the time the game comes on, I could have waited through a disk load. GET ON WITH THE GAME ALREADY!!
Loading Screens
The worst loading screens are the ones that just say "Loading". Yeah, we figured that out. Give us something to look at for Pete's sake!
INSTRUCTION MANUALS
Game Manuals
Why must every instruction manual dedicate an entire page to explaining where the X button is, where button the O button is, etc, etc. Every controller I've seen has the symbols or letters right there on the buttons! Duh!
Controls Page
If the manual is going to show the control scheme, it should fit on one page or two adjacent pages, so we don't have to flip around during the game. Sports games are especially guilty of this, often showing the offensive controls in the front of the manual, and the defensive controls near the back!
CONTROLS
Control Schemes
Can't game companies agree on some kind of standard for selecting and canceling menu options? In one game X is used to select, and in another it's used to cancel. I guess you can always press the triangle for help... or is that the circle button??
Button Tapping
If a shooter is going to provide a rapid-fire capability, you should have the option of holding down the button instead of having to tap it constantly. Too much button tapping is not healthy. Yes, I'm looking at you Neo Geo!
MENU OPTIONS
Music/Sound Effect Volume
It should be a standard feature that every game allow the player to adjust the music and sound effects. Period.
High Score Save
If the goal of a game is to achieve a high score, any system with save capabilities should let you save the high scores. This obvious feature is lacking in a lot of Neo Geo carts, as well as some of the newer "classic game" compilations available for modern consoles.
SPORTS GAMES
Year Bug
I can understand how football, hockey, and basketball games could have next year's number in their title (ex. Madden 94), since their season will actually continue into the next year. But somewhere along the line, certain baseball games decided to SKIP a year. Take for example World Series 2K1, which indicates 2001 despite the fact that the baseball season it was modeled on and released during (2000) would end long before 2001 rolled around. This is a flagrant case of "one-ups-manship" by the game companies, and it's just plain stupid.
Dynasty/General Manager Modes
I suppose a small percentage of gamers out there want to have total control of their football franchise, from hiring a coach, to building a stadium, to setting the price of hot dogs. But for the rest of us who just want to concentrate on the action on the field, we'd appreciate it if developers would put some time and effort into improving the whole "football" aspect, instead of selling us the same game as last year with new rosters and unwanted features.
Analog Golf Swings
I know EA is proud of their patented analog control golf swing, but if given the choice, most gamers would take the old fashioned, three-tap swing meter. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Foul Shooting
This rant is similar to the analog golf swing fiasco. Early basketball games came up with simple but elegant ways of shooting foul shots, but modern basketball games insist of incorporating complicated, frustrating mechanisms to do this. The worst example by far is Sega's NBA 2K series, which require you to squeeze the ulta-sensitive shoulder buttons to line up your shot. Heck, it would be easier for me to hit a "real" foul shot that deal with this.
The Crowd
Sony hyped the Playstation 2 as having the ability to animate thousands individual leaves on a thousand trees without breaking a sweat. So why are the crowds at sporting events flat like cardboard cut-outs?
Cheerleaders
There is only ONE effective use of live action video, and that is to show clips of real cheerleaders during sports games instead of those polygon monstrosities we always see. I've only seen it done once (in an old Playstation basketball game) and it was easily the highlight of the game. Why modern sports game developers have not caught onto this is beyond my comprehension.
Crowd Noise
Why is the crowd noise always turned up so loud by default that you can't even hear the commentator? (EA, I'm looking at YOU).
DREAMCAST
VMUs
Did anybody at Sega really think those VMUs would be useful for anything besides saving games? Now millions of Dreamcast owners are stuck with all these oversized memory cards that are difficult to organize and store.
Controller Wire
Okay, who's the engineering genius at Sega who designed the controller with the wire coming out the wrong end. It's a reasonable design - if you play games with your back to the TV! Heck, there's even a notch on the back of the controller to direct the wire forward! It's as if Sega was admitting "Yeah, we [expletive]ed up."
Colors
When I heard that the Dreamcast was coming out colored controllers and VMUs, I anxiously anticipated buying a nice orange one to match the cool Dreamcast logo. Unfortunately, the marketing geniuses at Sega had other ideas, and the only colors made available were blue, red, green, gray, and piss yellow.
PLAYSTATION 2
Two Ports
Only TWO controller ports on the PS2? Sony, what were you thinking? Oh, I get it, you want us to spend another $35 on that hideous multitap that looks so stupid hanging off of the front of the unit. Wonderful.
GAMECUBE
Do We Need A Handle?
What was Nintendo thinking when they designed the GameCube with that big goofy handle on the back? Were they expecting people to tote it around with them wherever they went? Even if we did, the thing is so small and light that a handle is hardly necessary. Very odd.
LINKING UP
GameCubes and GameBoys
Nintendo has released a line of games that require up to four GameBoys to be connected to your GameCube to play. Who was the marketing wizard who came up with this scheme? Note to Nintendo: Just because you CAN do something doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea!
Link Cables
When the first Playstation was new, one feature was the ability to link two Playstation consoles so gamers who compete head-to-head on two TV screens. There was one problem though: you had to have TWO copies of the game! That's unacceptable. A better approach would be to include multiple outputs on each console.
MEMORY CARDS
Capacity
Is the memory capacity of these cards too small, or do these games just take up too much room? On the PS1, a sports game could take up an entire card! I find it amusing how PS2 game boxes have a special place to hold a memory card. Do they expect us to buy a new card for each game??
Prices
A PS2 memory card costs $25? Last time I checked, 8 MB of memory cost a fraction of that. And where are all the PS2 third-party cards? Did Sony find a way to lock out the competition? Something does not smell right here...
PACKAGING
Misleading Labels
Especially with old cartridges like those for the Atari 2600, the labels aren't the least bit representative of the game inside. Check out Home Run, Super Breakout, and Casino - these labels could not be any more misleading.
Saturn Boxes
Instead of using standard CD jewel boxes, Saturn games were housed in large, clear plastic cases. These may have given the impression of getting more for your money, but they cracked awfully easy. It's as if Sega had manufactured them using the most fragile, easily broken plastic they could find.
VIDEO GAME MAGAZINES
Old School?
Whenever a magazine reviews a video game with a simple premise or basic control scheme, the reviewer will invariably refer to it as "old school". When I read stuff like that, it makes me cringe, because those games are usually anything BUT old-school. How old are these reviewers? Was the Playstation One their first console? When I saw a 3D, first-person polygon shooter referred to as "old-school" in a magazine, I practically rolled over in my grave, and I'm not even dead yet!
Overhyping
I absolutely hate how video game magazines gratuitously overhype upcoming big-name titles, as if they've been paid off by the publishers. Just about every magazine cover is dedicated to some game that hasn't even been released yet. These games often turn out to be spectacular duds. Case in point: Tomb Raider 5, Twisted Metal Black, and Castlevania Lament of Innocence. In order to save face, these same magazines almost always award the games a great score. Shameless!
Inflated Scores
Most magazines employ a rating system between 1 and 10, with 5 allegedly being "average", and yet 90% of the games are awarded scores above 5. Does that make any sense at all? And then when a reader complains about their favorite game getting a 5, the editor conveniently points out that it was in fact given an "average" score. What a farce.
Too Short?
I've been reading stuff like this for years: "This game was way too short! I finished it in under 40 hours". I have news for you - if you're married, with a real job, 40 hours is an eternity to dedicate to a single video game. Get a life!
Thanks for listening to my rants!
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